SEE IT AT THE THEATER

T

SEE IT CHEAP, FREE OR NOT AT ALL

T

AVATAR

Take the time to schedule a babysitter, fill up on $3 gas, drive 30 minutes to the stadium seating theater - this movie is worth your time, money, energy and mental effort.

You have a flat screen, a pretty decent sound system and a subscription to Netflix - that’s good enough for UW movies. You can rent, ondemand, wait for network TV and/or if it’s horrible enough, just avoid it all together.

IM movies have the qualities of MS and RP along with the added factor of being epic enough to need the IMAX experience. Because some movies demand total immersion, and this is the ultimate form for that.

THE MATRIX

T

THE HURT LOCKER

T

AMERICAN DREAMZ

MS movies are as great as the RP rating describes, except they must be seen immediately! With other eager fans who will add to the overall experience. This is what being a movie fan is all about.

“Holy Sh*t” good! Regular Price movies are must sees on a big screen, with THX sound and a crowd of fellow movie lovers. They’re fresh, unique and exciting. The story ideas and cinematic execution usually revolutionize the art.

Pretty good, but not great, Matinee movies have enough positives to deserve big screen viewing, but not at full price. These stories will have you saying, “Good enough,” instead of, “That’s never been done before.”

ATHE SENTINEL

T

ANNAPOLIS

T

AMEET THE SPARTANS

Average. Rental Worthy movies aren’t special enough to see at the multiplex. They’ve been done before and should be TV movies but are being marketing to the big screen probably because an A-List star or director are involved.

Dog sh*t. EFTV movies explore tired ideas like kidnappings and jail breaks in unoriginal ways. These should be inadvertantly experienced on the TV in the background as you do something more productive with you life.

Simple enough. NE movies add nothing new, are so been-there-done-that and uninspired that watching them may be harmful to your mental well being. Value your time, money and energy and avoid them at all costs!

MARMADUKE

T

AINCEPTION

T

POSEIDON

SOTMP movies represent everything that’s wrong in Hollywood - profit before people. Uninspired, calculated and researchd, these movies are cloned during stockholder board meetings instead of created with heart and spirit.

SOHM movies focus on character, emotion and the thematic journeys. They’re aware of the business aspect, but aren’t blinded by the greed. They’re inspired instead of market researched and made by filmmakers who give a sh*t.

UR movies have no justification for their existence. The original movies they’re based on are good enough to stand on their own and don’t really need to be updated.

GRINDHOUSE

T

AMEMENTO

T

WHAT WOMEN WANT

HFSTLA movies are so different, fresh and big screen worthy that you instinctively swear after watching the preview.

PB movies stretch cinematic grammar and audience expectation. Restless with what already exists, they strive to explore and experiemnt with the artform. Sometimes failing often times succeeding, always interesting.

NB movies have major potential to push boundaries but instead squander the opportunites by playing it safe.

FRIDAY THE 13TH (REMAKE)

T

ACATWOMAN

T

CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY

Don’t have your own apartment to experience sexy time desires? No car? Bus too crowded? The next best thing is a PT rated movie. You don’t have to pay attention to the story and it’s loud enough to cover up moans. Good Luck!

A DG rated movie is so bad that it’s unwatchable if held it to basic cinematic standards of quality. But, it becomes highly viewable if shots of alcohol are corrdinated with it’s suckiness.

TMPC does not support the use of perception altering substances, but let’s get real, when a quirky enough movie is released, people are going to trip out for added effect.

ALEGION

T

ATHE GREEN MILE

T

ASUPERMAN RETURNS

P&C movies tred tired territory. Usually by-the-book, you know the set-up, conflict and resolution before the preview is half over.

WON movies are desperately looking for Academy Award attention. Every aspect is too measured: lighting, acting, directing, editing, etc. It’s like a computer spat out a formula for the perfect Oscar winner.

FRA movies are decendants of once sucessful franchises made to ignite demand for more sequels from a new generation of movie fans and/or the nastolgic older fans responsible for its original longevity.

ATORQUE

T

ASHOWGIRLS

T

ALITTLE MAN

SOS movies have the same actors in the same roles with the same stories doing and saying the same things with the same endings.

GP movies are unintentionally bad. Usually everyone involved is trying their best but somehow doing their worst. Critical condemnation occurs publically, audience viewing occurs privately.

SMNS movies can’t hold up to the scrutiny of a 4th grader’s logic. They stretch the audience’s suspension of disbelief too far and try to get away with it by pretending everything is okay.

AFINDING NEMO

T

ASAW VI

T

ADISTURBIA

KNP movies wrap kids around their pied piper fingers and puppet them to bother mom and dad to take them to see a movie over and over.

OCFD movies are new installments of a franchise that you feel compelled to see because you only feel okay if you know you’ve, “Seen them all.”

Y movies are old movies that have been remade or “re-imagined” in a superficial manner: actors are younger, dialog is hip and technology is up to date. It looks new, but it’s just bloated by market research Botox.

ATHE SHAGGY DOG

T

ATOY STORY

T

AIN THE LAND OF WOMEN

S&M movies don’t hide the fact that they’re going to be a total waste of lifetime. Therefore, if you go to it, you’re voluntarily punishing yourself; if you sit through it, you’re enjoying that pain and have only yourself to blame.

SFE movies are viewable by people of all ages. Typically targeted for children, these movies also entertain at adolescent and adult levels.

NAGFDM movies have subject matter that doesn’t jive with the nature of a first date. While your deciding if you’ll let him get to second base while he’s trying for home is not the time to see movies that weigh heavy on the soul.

ADREAMGIRLS

T

AAMELIE

T

ATRADE

PTI movies have a message: Believe in you dreams! Getting the dream job, marrying the love of your life, revolutionizing the auto industry. Whatever the dream, have one and go after it cause it can become reality!

SI movies blow your everyday mind. They take ordinary and make it extraordinary. They take “what is” and turn it into “what can be” or “what isn’t...yet”.

SR movies deal with current social issues. Sometimes fictional, usually documentary, they serve to make viewers aware of various human behavior.

AKINDERGARTEN COP

T

ATHE SANTA CLAUSE 3

T

AAN INCONVENIENT TRUTH

PAT movies have well know actors in them where they play characters that audiences normally wouldn’t associate them with.

CLS movies star actors whose careers are flatlining. In order to stay alive they are forced to make any movie that 1) pays them and 2) helps them stay in the public consciousness.

HYC movies have a message to convey about something important to basic humanity and hope that you’ll care enough to listen to this message and take action to do something about it.

AWILD THINGS

T

ASLOW BURN

T

ATHE WICKER MAN

TAT movies keep you constantly off balance as to what the ultimate truth is. Just when you’re sure of what’s going on something new is revealed that changes your assumption. This continues until the fade out.

TEIGS movies set themselves up for long term failure in order to have short term gain. They twist and turn to keep the audience guessing until the very end when all the strings of curiosity fail to knot together cohesively.

SBIG movies are made by major studios, have a big budget and big stars but for some reason they fail to work so badly that they move beyond the land of terrible into the realm of good for the wrong reasons.

AJUST MY LUCK

T

AMATERIAL GIRLS

T

AINFAMOUS

GTFOH movies leave us wondering, “How and why the fu*k did this get made?” The story ideas are beyond intelligence insulting, the casting obviously decided in a boardroom and the marketing is condescending.

NET movies are decent enough ideas for the big screen, but it’s evident that the filmmakers are phoning it in. Instead of breaking new boundries these movies stick to the tried and true formulas.

TLTL movies are good ideas that have already been made in a good enough way that yet another movie about he same topic/story has little flare or interest left.

AG.I. JOE: RISE OF COBRA

T

APERFECT STRANGER

T

AHITCH

BSVOTVS movies are popular TV shows brought to the big screen mainly due to fan demand and market research that indicates a profitable return for the production company.

BSEOL&O movies are story ideas that are the center of Law & Order episodes. Somehow one of them has been made into a feature length movie that has somehow made it to the big screen.

YKWYG movies unabashedly abide by genre formulas and don’t try to hide it. They’re not original or groundbreaking, but safe and reliable and they give you exactly what you want.

HOSTAGE

T

ADISASTER MOVIE

T

AFAST AND FURIOUS

NTD movies know what other movies in their genre have come before, unfortunately, they don’t fall too far from the tree. They’re kinda new but mostly the same as their predecessors.

SOF movies have the same jokes you’ve been laughing at since you were old enough to understand reruns of I Love Lucy.

AFD movies are agreed upon as pretty bad. Once a year on All Pranks Day I review one pretending I love it. Worry not, I haven’t gone crazy, it’s just April Fools’ Day.

TRANSFORMERS

T

ADISASTER MOVIE

T

ATHE DAVINCI CODE

 TS movies are made with the intention of creating a trilogy or “Tent pole” films the studio can bank on to make near-guaranteed profit every year or two.

 Usually a sequel, sometimes a clone of a profitable original movie that starts a fad,KC movies care only about taking from the audience’s pockets instead of contributing to their spirits.

PEFBGBO movies are usually adaptations of material already established in other mediums and familiar in the audience’s mind thereby guaranteeing profitability.

THE BENCHWARMERS

T

ADISASTER MOVIE

T

AINCEPTION

USNLM has the all genetic make up of an SNL-style movies. It has the actors, the idea/story and the same jokes. It’s just missing the same producer: Lorne Michaels.

A predictable consequence of a skit being popular on Saturday Night Live, SNLNMS is a barely feature-length version to cash in on the popularity.

CB movies are made by filmmakers who have total freedom to do whatever they want because their previous creation was a box office and/or critical hit and the studio wants to keep them happy.

THE HANGOVER

T

ASEX AND THE CITY

T

ALORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY

Sometimes guys want to go out and just be guys, one of the ways to do that is to see BRO movies, which usually have a combination of girls, alcohol, action, geekocity, and violence.

Sometimes girls want to go out and just be girls, one of the ways to do that is to see CF movies, which usually have a combination of guy-obsession, clothes and romance.

Remember how old you were when you saw Star Wars? Jurassic Park? The Matrix? If you saw it on the big screen, you probably do because it was an ACM experience: Powerful, unique, inspiring.

DOOMSDAY

T

ABATMAN AND ROBIN

T

AMY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D

CF movies are not necessarily reboots or remakes, they seem original, but upon closer inspection, they’re just stitched up parts of other better movies.

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - sometimes it’s clear a sequel represents the EOACF and it’s the final step of your tehatrical viewing journey.

SMR movies have been researched and cross- referenced in order to predict audience response at the box office to such a point that it was a motivating factor in the creation process.

ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS

T

ANIGHT AT THE MUSEUM

T

AKICK-ASS

Usually for little kids, C movies have a whole lot of cuteness and adorability to them. Muppets, dolls, animals, toys - whatever the gimmick, they make the little kind inside us exhale, “Awwwww.”

When you’re too exhausted to entertain the kids into calming down, have run out of bribes and bargaining chips, turn on the DVDBS movie, usually rated G/PG, and watch them quiet down.

We live in the age of the sheek geek. All things nerdy are now chic, which means everybody is doing it. FBR movies are watched by hardcore fans, not just wannabes.

MISS MARCH

T

ABOOK OF ELI

T

ACLUELESS

FC movies focus on genre, effects, everything but the most important part of the story - characters. Once the movie is over, you forget the who, remembering only the what and how.

Surrounded by reboots, remakes and sequels, our natural response to realizing a movie is actually original is to exclaim HSIAAOI.

Usually movies are the place where already established fads go for the final big pay day cash in. Once in a while a FS movie starts a pop culture craze.

ATRANSFORMERS: REVENGER OF THE FALLEN

T

AZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO

T

AGLENGARRY GLENROSS

CGIP is just that, porn. You want to see it not for the characters, dialog or story, you just want the CGI money shots.

DF movies are viewed because Mr. or Mrs. So and So are behind the camera. It could be a feature length dishwashing liquid commerical, we don’t care, we just want to see the director’s latest creation.

AF movies feature A-list actors that audiences love. No matter the story, director or genre, people want to see this because of who’s in it.

A SERIOUS MAN

T

ABEING JOHN MALKOVICH

T

ANATIONAL TREASURE

SF is the simplest reason the audience will see a movie. It usually doesn’t have A-list actors, an A-director or even a sizable budget. It just has an interesting story and dedicated filmmakers who want to see it realized.

Who cares about the director and actor, without good writing those elements are like tinsel on a dying Christmas Tree if the writing isn’t any good. SWF movies have just that.

Dustin Hoffman’s character in Wag the Dog asked, “Why is there no “Best Producer” Oscar? While the producer’s influence is easily dismissed, it is a real force in the creative process. PF movies are great examples of that.

SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE

T

ZODIAC

T

ATOY STORY 3

PDL movies are usually period pieces, ranging in time from the 1600’s to the late 1800’s,with the settings being either France or England. Most importantly the fashion is always the same: poofy!

CINL movies are beautifully and responsibly photographed. Whatever the genre, they use lighting, camera movement and angles that enhance the storytelling.

Maybe it’s the actor, the director, the effects or the story - something about NF movies makes you feel nostalgic.

AINTO THE BLUE

T

AMARCH OF THE PENGUINS

T

AANNIE HALL

HF movies don’t have much going for them in terms of cinematic quality, but they do have hot pieces of ass! Male or female these people look great on a 70 foot screen. T&A, washboard stomachs or big biceps, these hotties deliver.

FAVOF movies feature voice over work by well know actors. You go because you like to hear them talk.

RAL movies bathe in the pleasure and pain of relationship turmoil. The why and how of meeting, getting along and staying together is pondered endlessly with wit, laughs, screams and tears.

ATHE LAST MIMZY

T

ACELLULAR

T

AKICKIN’ IT OLD SKOOL

FM has safe subject matter that won’t shatter the bubble of childhood innocence for the kids who see it. Also, parents won’t have to worry about answers uncomfortable questions they still may not have the answers to.

CPL movies are filled, wall to wall, with characters answering their cell phones while walking, running, jumping, shooting, fu*king and fighting.

RL movies take the recent past and make popular things back then hip again in the here and now. They also provide bittersweet nostalgia.

ATHREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR

T

ADONNIE BRASCO

T

ASPELLBOUND

SL movies have secrets, deception, trust, betrayal, love, manipulation, ulterior motives, tension and a little action here and there.

C&RL movies deal with cinema’s oldest conflict: good guys vs. bad guys. Usually police officers battling various criminals: bank robbers, drug dealers and or mobsters.

DOCL movies are the original Reality TV. But, instead of exploiting, they have integrity, standards and respect for the people profiled and featured.

AA VOYAGE TO THE MOON

T

ATHE AMITYVILLE HORROR

T

ASTAND BY ME

SEL movies have amazing effects. Whether they’re computer generated, stop-motion, animatronics or old fashioned editing trickery, you just want to be visually amazed.

BOATSL movies cinematize real life happenings. Horror, War, Mafia - whatever the genre, the important thing is that it’s a dramatic representation of something that actually occurred.

COAL movies follow a character’s experience during a life altering change in perspective. Usually dealing with the transition from childhood to adolescence or adolescence to adulthood.

AORDINARY PEOPLE

T

ATHE ROYAL TENENBAUMS

T

AAS GOOD AS IT GETS

DL movies are all about people fighting with words, taking deep breaths, long silent pauses, casting penetrating gazes, and crying a lot.

QFDL movies deal with family strife in an eccentic manner. Prepare for dysfuntional family members with peculiar habits, hobbies and emotoinal reactions to dramatic situations.

DCL movies are dramas that don’t take themselves to seriously. They remember that even though life makes you cry, it can also make you laugh to take some of the sting away.

DRACULA

T

ATHE RING

T

AHOSTEL

HL movies scare the sh*t out of audiences. Usually centering on a serial killers with supernatural powers or just twisted imaginations, the characters die gruesome deaths and audiences love to watch.

JHL movies scare audiences with creepy illogical images, errie silence, water and pale girls with long black hair. Psychological tension is favored over physical action.

TPL movies are born from the Slasher flick: Take a Slasher killer and make him really disturbed and SHOW all the gore. In a desensitized world, the shock here are turned up all the way to 11.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET

T

ADIE HARD

T

ATHE ITALIAN JOB

Parental revenge fantasies take the shape of SML movies where the pissed off authority figure punishes horny and drunk kids with a creative kill gimmick.

AL movies have tons of physical action. Gunfire, explosions, fist fights and chase sequences, it’s all that matters and it’s the reason the audience goes.

HML movies are about characters coming up with a scheme to steal something big, gathering a variety of characters with a certain skills, planning it, stealing it, then trying to get away with it.

WEDDING CRASHERS

T

ATOTAL RECALL

T

AWHEN HARRY MET SALLY

CL movies make you laugh your ass off. That’s the only reason to see them. Yes, they usually have A-list actors and directors, but most of all they have “The Funny”.

SFL movies explore the future as it relates to technological advancement and how humanity has been affected by that progress. Above all, audiences want to see gadgets, spaceships and toys of the imagination not yet realized.

RCL movies don’t take love so seriously. Characters try to woo each other with romantic gestures that turn embarassing, akward and most importantly, funny.

MULHOLLAND DR.

T

ASPIDER-MAN

T

ATHE NEVERENDING STORY

PTL movies get inside your head and whisper thoughts that disturb you. They make you paranoid, cause you to second guess your logic making you scared to think.

CBAL movies have waiting a long time to be realized. Cinema technology has finaly caught up to the imaginations of comic book storytellers; these movies finally bring them to life.

FL movies have the mythological creatures, talking animals, sorta-kinda-human-like beings, royalty, quests, honor and good vs. evil seeking to control kingdoms and all that sh#t.

SOMEWHERE IN TIME

T

ANEW JACK CITY

T

AWAG THE DOG

RL movies deal with characters in mushy-gushy settings of love and romance. Romantic elements such as roses, candle light dinners and running through wheat fields are common.

UL movies set characters undergoing dramatic conflict in a corrupt or gang-ridden big city environment.

PL movies deal with corruption, frame-ups, double crosses, cover-ups, election campaigns, fundrasing, spin doctors, media manipulation, lobbyists and assassinations.

NARNIA

T

FFINAL FANTASY: THE SPIRITS WITHIN

T

AMADAGASCAR

ML movies are about characters casting spells. It can be wizards. witches or magicians, doesn’t matter. Just make things change after magic words are spoken and we’re happy.

CAL movies are completely computer generated and that’s the reason you watch them.

CAAL movies are completely computer generated starring animals.

SAVING PRIVATE RYAN

T

ASEABISCUIT

T

AINDIANA JONES AND LAST CRUSADE

WL movies deal with people fighting people on the grandest scale. It could be WWI, WWI, Vietnam, The Trojan War or Orcs vs Elves, doesn’t matter. What’s important is - WAR!!!

HF movies are all about horses galloping, neighing, pooping and even talking. Set at a racetrack, in the Wid West or on a private ranch where a misunderstood child will befriend it. Doesn’t matter. You just want horses!

OFSL movies remind us that there was a time when people put their lives on the line to entertain us by helping to maintain movie illusion before CGI changed it all.

ZOMBIELAND

T

AROMEO AND JULIET

T

AX-MEN

PAL movies show us how it is to live in the world after the big boom or viral outbreak. Bleak, sometimes funny, always engaging.

Love at first sight can be amazing, unless parents and society get in the way. SCLL movies chronicle the battle between head and heart.

SHL movies center on characters with powers we dream of and explore what it would be like to have them.

DAYBREAKERS

T

A21

T

AX-MEN

VL movies are pretty straight forward: “I vaunt to suck your blood”, subtextual sexuality, garlic, sunlight, coffins and super-powers.

VGL movies are set in Sin City dealing with everything we love about the Adult Disneyland. Poker, parties, Mafia, hookers, robberies, it’s all about money and we love watching.

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